The Upside of Unrequited Read online

  I don’t know. I just like to be careful about this stuff.

  Cassie leans over the seat, toward me, and her expression softens. “Look. I’m not going to embarrass you. You trust me, right?”

  I shrug.

  “Then let’s do this. I’m going to get you a boyfriend.”

  I push my bangs out of my face. “Um. I don’t think it’s that easy.” I hit her with this particular facial expression of mine, known to my moms as the Molly Face. It involves eyebrows and a certain twist of the mouth, and it conveys infinite, everlasting skepticism.

  “I’m telling you. It is.”

  But it’s not. I don’t think she gets it. There’s a reason I’ve had twenty-six crushes and no boyfriends. I don’t entirely understand how anyone gets a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. It just seems like the most impossible odds. You have to have a crush on the exact right person at the exact right moment. And they have to like you back. A perfect alignment of feelings and circumstances. It’s almost unfathomable that it happens as often as it does.

  I don’t know why my heart is beating so quickly.

  The train pulls into Takoma, and Cassie stands abruptly. “And I need to know if Mina’s queer.”

  “Aww,” I say. “Look who has a crush face now.”

  “Why don’t you just ask her?” Olivia says.

  “Yeah, no.” Cassie shakes her head. “Okay, let’s see if she’s on Facebook.” She types while she walks. “How do you even search for someone?”

  “Are you kidding?” I ask.

  This is a fundamental difference between us. I was basically born knowing how to casually stalk people on social media. But I guess Cassie’s more the kind of person who gets casually stalked.

  “Want me to ask Will, since he’s apparently my future boyfriend?”

  “Hush.” She’s still staring at her phone.

  I mean, I’m sure it’s a total coincidence that Cassie wants to turn this particular boy into my boyfriend. I bet it has nothing to do with him being friends with the dream girl.

  Cassie gets off the escalator with a little hop, and Olivia and I follow her through the turnstiles. There’s a couple making out against a SmarTrip machine. Which is definitely not how you’re supposed to use SmarTrip machines. I look away quickly.

  “Are you still texting Mina?” I ask.

  She smiles. “I’m not telling you.”

  But she will. No question. Because once you’ve shared a uterus, there’s no such thing as a secret.

  Of course, I sleep terribly. I’m up for hours, staring at the ceiling.

  I keep remembering little moments from tonight. It’s like my brain won’t stop spinning. Will squinting at my face, trying to place it. Olivia’s blue-streaked hair, extra bright beneath the fluorescent lights of the Metro. And the tiny, secret smile on Cassie’s face every time her phone buzzed.

  Certain nights have this kind of electricity. Certain nights carry you to a different place from where you started. I think tonight was one of the special ones—but I can’t pinpoint why.

  Which is strange.

  I drift off to sleep, finally—and it feels like only seconds have passed when my phone buzzes with a text.

  Are you up? Smiley face. It’s Cassie.

  There’s this horrible taste in my mouth, and my eyes feel sore and crusty. I guess it’s fitting. I managed to get drunk last night on absolutely no alcohol. Now I have a nonalcoholic hangover.

  I stare at the screen.

  My phone buzzes again. MOLLY, WAKE UP!!! IT’S YOUR FIRST DAY OF WORK!!!!

  I write back: I’m coming!

  I add a sleepy-face emoji.

  She sends back this horrible wide-awake emoji with giant eyes.

  I send a frowny face back. My head feels heavy on my pillow, and I think I weigh a million pounds. But I force myself out of bed and pull on this ruffled dress from ModCloth, with leggings. And I take my pill. I’ve been on Zoloft for four years. I used to get panic attacks in the middle school cafeteria.

  Long story.

  Anyway, when I step into the hallway, the air smells like butter and bacon. We are definitely the kind of Jews who eat bacon.

  “Is that the young professional?” asks Patty.

  Patty is one of my moms. She pops out from the kitchen, wearing an oversized batik tunic. “Here, bring these to the table.” She hands me a plate stacked high with pancakes.

  “Okay . . .”

  “You look kind of out of it, sweetie. You all right?”

  “Yeah, I’m . . .” I look at the pancakes. “What are these supposed to be?”

  “Hearts?” she says. There’s flour on her chin.

  “Ohhhh.”

  “I guess they kind of look like penises.”

  “Yup.”

  “And scrotums,” she adds.

  “Mom, that’s so appetizing.”

  Honestly, it’s not the first time Patty has thrown down the word scrotum in reference to a meal. She’s a midwife, so I may be a little too used to her talking about this stuff. Once she spent an entire drive to the mall explaining to Cassie and me that the so-called “doggie lipstick” was really the dog’s penis coming out of the shaft. She seemed to know a lot of the anatomical details.

  I don’t think either Cassie or I will ask about the lipstick again.

  “You should let your brother try one,” she says.

  I nod. “Xav loves scrotums.”

  Patty raises her eyebrows.

  She takes the plate back, and I peek into the dining room. Of course everyone’s already awake. Nadine is a teacher, so even in the summer her body is used to waking up “butt-early,” as she calls it. Sometimes she calls it the ass-crack of dawn. And Xavier wakes up butt-early because he’s a butt-early kind of baby.

  “Don’t drop that,” Nadine says, giving him the evil eye. Xavier gives me a giant grin from his high chair and says, “Momo,” which means “Molly.”

  So, here’s us in a nutshell: Patty used a sperm donor to conceive Cassie and me. Nadine used the same donor two years ago for Xavier. Strangers have a really hard time wrapping their minds around that. There’s this subset of people who like to inform me that Xavier’s my half brother, not my real brother. They’re the same people who tell me Abby’s not really my cousin. Nadine’s not really my mother. I’m pretty sure people wouldn’t question any of this if Nadine, Abby, and Xavier were white.

  Needless to say, I hate these people.

  Xavier flings a chunk of banana to the floor and starts whimpering.

  “Dude, no,” Nadine tells him. “Banana’s gone. You’re SOL.”

  “Do you even know what that means?” Cassie asks from across the table.

  “I know so much more than you think I do.” Nadine grins. Then Xavier lets out another goat wail, and she leans over to kiss his head. “Hey. Xavor Xav, be cool.”

  Xavor Xav, like Flavor Flav. Nadine is just like this.

  Patty walks in with a plate of bacon, pressed between paper towels. “Hope you’re ready,” she says to Cassie.

  Cassie’s love of bacon is well documented and notorious.

  But she leans back, smiling. “I’m actually not hungry.”

  “Who are you, and what have you done with Cassie?” Nadine asks, eyes narrowing.

  Cassie laughs and shrugs, and I notice she hasn’t touched her food. Not a bite. And it’s a little surprising. Normally, Cassie’s one of those skinny girls who eats like she’s about to go into hibernation.

  “I’m serious, Kitty Cat. What’s going on?”

  “Nothing. I’m not . . .” She trails off, hands disappearing under the table. She glances downward, quickly.

  She’s reading a text.

  From Mina. I’m sure of it. Probably scheming about how to get Will to date me. My whole face heats up just thinking about it.

  “So, Molly, how are you feeling?” Nadine asks. “Are you nervous? Are you freaking out?”

  “About what?”

  “About your big day
. About entering the world of the working.”

  I wrinkle my brow. “You realize this isn’t like a brain surgery residency, right? I’m working in a store.”

  “Momomomo!” Xav interjects. “Cacacacaca!”

  Cassie gives him the side-eye. “Hey. Stop calling me that.”

  “Never stop calling her that,” says Nadine.

  Cassie makes a face, and then she slides her foot against mine under the table, lengthwise—toe to heel. Our feet have always been the same size, almost to the millimeter. I guess we grow at the exact same rate.

  “Hey, when are you leaving?” Cassie leans forward on her fists, smiling.

  “In a few minutes . . . ,” I start to say, but she gives this very meaningful stare. I try again. “Right now?”

  “Great! I’ll walk you to work,” she says, standing abruptly, slipping her phone in her back pocket. “Let’s go.”

  “I texted with Mina for four hours last night,” she says as soon as we step outside. It tumbles out of her mouth like she’s been bursting to tell me.

  “Wow.”

  “I know.”

  I feel Cassie looking at me, and I can tell she wants me to say something. Or ask something. Maybe it’s twin telepathy—I can just feel her excitement. It’s like it has a pulse.

  Somehow, I don’t think this is about finding me a boyfriend.

  “What did you talk about?” I ask.

  “Just, you know . . .” She laughs. “I honestly don’t even know what we talked about. Music. Photography—she does photography. We just talked about everything, really.”

  “For four hours.”

  “Yup.” She smiles.

  “That’s awesome.” I pause. “Did you find out if she likes girls?”

  “Molly. I don’t know.”

  There’s this edge to her tone, and it throws me. “Okay,” I say softly.

  And for a minute, we’re both so quiet I can actually hear tweeting birds.

  I should mention that Takoma Park is beautiful. You kind of don’t notice it most of the time, but then it hits you all at once. Like, when it’s eight fifteen on a summer morning, and the sun is soft and filtered through tree branches. And the houses are brightly painted, with porch swings and wind chimes and front steps lined with flowers.

  I think I just want to stare at the flowers. I want to walk up Tulip Avenue, and be hungry and sleepy, and I want Cassie not to be annoyed at me. I guess asking her about Mina was a mistake. Though if she’s going to be prickly about her own love life, it’s pretty messed up that she’s got her hands all over mine.

  Except a minute later, she says, “So, we’re meeting Mina at FroZenYo this afternoon to talk strategy.”

  “Strategy?”

  “For seducing the ginger. Operation Boyfriend. Operation Molly Makeouts.”

  Oh my God. Seriously.

  I shake my head. “Okay, well, I have to—”

  “Molly, I know you have work. But you get off at three, and we’re meeting her at three thirty. Okay?”

  “I don’t want to intrude. I don’t want to vag-block you.”

  “Molly.” Cassie laughs. “You can’t vag-block someone in a frozen yogurt shop. A frozen yogurt shop vag-blocks itself.”

  “That is true.”

  “And seriously.” She looks at me. “I need you there.”

  She looks so sincere. “Okay,” I say finally.

  “Hell yeah.” Cassie high-fives me. “Oh man. It’s on.”

  SO, THIS IS PROBABLY MY own fault for being a smartass, but I’m actually a little nervous about starting work. Even though this isn’t a brain surgery residency. I’m very glad this isn’t a brain surgery residency. I don’t think anyone wants me operating on their brain right now, or ever. Especially because my hands are shaking—just a little—on the door handle.

  The store looks the same as it always does—which is to say, it looks like Zooey Deschanel exploded into five thousand tablecloths and painted plates and letterpress notecards. It’s called Bissel. Not like the vacuum. Like the Yiddish word, meaning “a little bit.” As in, good luck only spending a bissel of money when you walk into Bissel. Good luck not spending your entire paycheck on a bissel of handcrafted artisan jewelry.

  I can’t believe I’m walking into Bissel as an employee.

  I’m an employee.

  Deborah and Ari Wertheim, the owners, are behind the counter, and I feel this wave of shyness. “Hi,” I say, and my voice comes out comically high. Squeaky Molly. Super professional.

  Deborah looks up from the register. “Molly—hi! Oh great, you’re here.” She presses both palms against the counter, beaming. “We are so, so glad you’re joining us.”

  She’s intensely nice. They both are. That’s the main thing I remember about the Wertheims from my interview. They’re nice in the way therapists are—like, you get the impression they’d be up for hearing your thoughts about life and humanity. They’re married, and they’re a perfect matched set: tall and big-boned, with thick-framed glasses. Ari’s bald, and Deborah has this kind of wild black hair she wears knotted into a messy bun. Or sometimes two meatball Sailor Moon buns, even though she’s probably in her forties. I really love that. Also, they both have these brightly colored, amazingly intricate tattoos all up and down their arms. Literally, they are the two coolest adult humans on the planet, or at least in Maryland.

  “Hmm, so I guess we probably went over most of this stuff at the interview. You remember how to use the register?”

  I nod, even though I definitely don’t remember how to use the register.

  “Cool. Though the register is being an asshole today, so I’ll probably stick you in the back room with Reid. And he can kind of show you around. You’ve met Reid?”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “Oh, I’ll introduce you.” Deborah gives me a little shoulder squeeze. “One sec.”

  She walks toward the back of the store, through the baby section, and I try to act casual. There’s music playing—something soft and indie. Cassie would know the band. And right beside me, there’s a display of ceramic mugs shaped like whales. Of course Bissel sells ceramic mugs shaped like whales. Of course those exist. I literally don’t understand how anyone could walk into this store and not fall in love.

  Deborah comes back a minute later with a guy I’ve actually seen here before. He’s tall and kind of big, in that way people describe as husky. His shirt has a map of Middle Earth on it. And his sneakers are so electric white, they’re either brand-new, or he puts them in the laundry.

  “Molly, this is Reid. Reid, Molly.”

  “Hi,” he says, smiling shyly.

  “Hi.” I smile back.

  Deborah turns to me. “Molly, you’re going to be a senior, right?”

  I nod.

  “Perfect! You guys are the same age. I bet you have a lot in common.”

  Classic adult logic. Reid and I are vaguely the same age, so of course we’re basically soul mates. It’s like horoscopes. Somehow I’m supposed to believe that I’m similar in some meaningful way to every single person born on my birthday. Or every single Sagittarius. I mean, I barely have anything in common with Cassie, and we were born six minutes apart.

  Sorry, but this guy is literally choosing to advertise Lord of the Rings on his body. I don’t think there’s going to be a whole lot of common ground.

  We walk through the baby section, and the whole time, I get the impression that he’s trying to think of things to say. It reminds me a lot of those meaningless syllables people spew, like “Um, yeah, so . . .”

  Reid doesn’t actually spew the syllables. He’s like the personification of those syllables. I wish there were a secret signal you could use to communicate: HELLO. I AM OFFICIALLY COOL WITH SILENCE.

  Not that I actually am cool with silence, but maybe it would help him relax.

  For a moment, we just stand there in the entryway to the back room, surrounded by cardboard boxes and rustic wooden furniture. I bite my lip, feel
ing awkward and unsettled.

  “Welcome to your first day,” he says finally.

  “Thanks.” I smile, looking up at him. He’s so tall, I actually have to tilt my head back. He’s not awful looking. He definitely has good hair. It’s this perfect, tousled boy hair—brown and soft and sort of curly. And he wears glasses. And there’s this sweetness to his mouth. I always notice people’s mouths.

  “You’ve been working here for years, right?” I say. “I’ve seen you before.”

  As soon as I say it, I blush. I don’t want him to think I’ve NOTICED him. I mean, I have noticed him. But not in that way. I’ve noticed him because he sticks out here. He doesn’t quite fit. I think of Bissel as a place for people who care about tiny details—like the texture of a woven place mat or the painted pattern on the handle of a serving spoon.

  I would say Reid gives a pretty strong impression that he doesn’t notice patterns on serving spoons.

  “Yeah, I’m here all the time. Kind of unavoidable.” He shrugs. “My parents.”

  “Your parents?”

  “Ari and Deborah.”

  I clap a hand over my mouth. “Ari and Deborah are your parents?”

  “You didn’t know that?” He looks amused.

  I shake my head slowly. “Okay. You just blew my mind.”

  “Really?” He laughs. “Why?”

  “Because! I don’t know. Deborah and Ari just seem so . . .” Punk rock and badass and not into Lord of the Rings. “They have tattoos,” I say finally.

  He nods. “They do.”

  I just gape for a minute.

  He laughs again. “You seem so surprised.”

  “No, I’m just . . .” I shake my head. “I don’t know.”

  There’s this silence.

  “Um. So, do you want to unpack some baby stuff?” Reid asks, nudging a cardboard box with the toe of his sneaker. We settle onto the floor next to it, cross-legged. I’m suddenly glad to be wearing leggings under my dress.

  Reid lifts a stack of onesies out of the box. “So these need price stickers,” he says. “Do you know how to do that?”

  “Do I know how to use stickers?”

  “It’s pretty complicated,” he says. We grin at each other.

  I pick up a onesie. “This is very Takoma Park.”